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May 15th, 2000 at 10:30 PM

out of my system.bigger better faster bore  

self obsessed and sexee.

today was a productive day and these are productive times, i do a bunch and i give some but hours are of the endless and it's now but it's busy, and fuck if i don't know. I've almost convinced myself that I'm packed to the eyelids with beautiful questions and punk rocked answers, wisdom to shine out and bring people together. she should be here. Hell, a lot of people should be here. I was born to lead, but i'm better satisfied doing My Own Things, creating my own worldrules and shattering them again. I'm productive, but I'm still stuck in a middle phase, this Post-Pre-Place, and I'm tired of waiting for myself. I'm hopped up on possibility and fear, and this is the most deadly combination in the history of sentient beings.  All Twelve months since college graduation have been great. New even. Smarting with new experience, remaining plain and simple. I wanted so badly to be in Carlisle at their graduation yesterday. I had other obligations, but it still hurt to not get that last chance to see all of the rad folks I met last fall once more, all together. i cried, for effect. Can you feel doors closing? Sometimes. what a curving, textured, adjectived year this has been. What a good boy am I. get your ass over here. Summer is so wonderful, these smells, these memories, my taste buds tingle. Erik, my mountain bike, the peripheral sunlight, my brother my sister--you still walking in potential. if it doesn't click it wasn't meant for you:

4.30 in the am i in your dreams of you

i'm on top of things, and you know it. the sound, the jet-country motion, the gas stops and fly-by nights, and sleeping and sitting, a heartland feeling inside you. me self-consciousness is a game and much as my self-confidence is an act, and my goodness it all wraps up into one thin spinning column, caring about you in a wonderful way. So strongly, please understand So beautiful. ack. and there's so much about you i want to hear, know, laugh through, own. Come soon.

when it is my joy to sleep.

selfed-action has seen me warring with me, and rarely do I show it. these words are quick. you are still in my brain, like so many. sometimes i dance alone, arms spider-monkeeing. i have left youu are leaving we should be planning. happy birthday, i made the table shake, dear, and party or no party we take no part from My Twenty-First, the stasy of christmas light hugs and warm-winter ramblings, twisted embrace, musical loops, changing your answer to fit my question, and you know that i want the large but i'm afraid of the large, fearless, and scrabble or no scrabble i still taste the barbeque and the smoothies, the drowning in smoky idea and the dogs must be crazy, coffee, breakfast, bar, nap. i want stories, connections, community, and we'll be there together, climbing up the. Friend.

i am not who you thought that i wasn't.

word-tricks and sound tricks are never my answer, and it will take a special craft to make them work, but i don't know how to describe where i want you to go. Push. market something no one's ever done before. let the other three go, if you must, and create your own way on the side, using song space, silliness. nothing so deliberate, make it consume you, fearlessly. don't try to note-trick peg it, let it peg you, and success will be my smile. drop all the symbols, the preconceived notions, your business, tearing your life. i know you have it figured out, more than me, but i'm in a different place, and besides i don't want to let you go that easy. no other person has ever written about me like that, and i doubt anyone ever will. remember that, dude. Also, i have plans. perspective games. big white bus.

two blind fish,

we're supposed to be together, you know.
you're with me even now, but it's not enough. it's never enough.

iron girders holding my feet--

nothing's holding you anywhere, and you're beginning to figure that out again.

shivering gently

regressed, answerless, openne