January 20th, 2000 at 8:14 PM

openness.

Still, a full two years later, I'm sure of it.

There are lots of big questions, and at times these questions seem important to me and at times I couldn't care less about finding the answers. We all remember how it was halfway through that second year of high school (maybe the second year of college, for most) to come across big questions and, for the first time in life, to address them seriously.  I think I knew then that it was not the desire to Know The Truth that drove me, but rather the process of moving toward the answers, whatever the hell they were. Who knows what the answers involved. I can't even remember the questions. But I remember what it felt like to first discover the power of communication, conversation, idea exchange, and true friendship.

Maybe true coming of age involves that simple but powerful moment when a person realizes the absolute beauty of thought, and everything it can bring. Some people never reach this point. Not everyone grows up.

who am I really why are we here when will the city of the future begin how did it get started can I accept faith what is beyond space what is most important can people change what comes next when will I be happy does time move in a direction at all can I ever know anything what is the point what about true love can evolution really do all of this will I always be alone will anything ever stop capitalism anyway

Insert appropriate dose of irony here. God forbid someone would honestly bother with this anymore.

discovery.

I'm not going to stop enjoying it anytime soon, I'm pretty sure.

There have always been phases. For a long time I was arrogant about my own desire to know. Then you wonder if asking is worth it at all, because what are you going to solve?  Then there's the backlash against anything DEEP, anything sentimental, anything that wont help you improve your life today, anything relative, anything uncertain. Who cares what I think, anyway, who are these people, what the hell am I going to solve. I don't run the government. You can't change what's coming, anyways.

But fuck does my brain love to talk to a good friend. Sure, there are some people that you just cant take certain places, but for the real friends its idea exchange oneness being not. I want to discover and live in the discovery like its a goddamn geographical place, an emotional sunlit state so overwhelming that I can't stop seeing the beauty and the possibilities, questioning everything and not caring about getting it right so long as I look to keep moving, am to keep moving and the going itself stays put in the moment, not looking inward outward, forward or back, but AT.  AT.  ON. UNTO.  There isn't a preposition to capture thought thinking and feeling itself now and then and again at a single once.

No, you're not getting my meaning at all. Don't focus on the SELF that acts out in the way I have described. That self, that actor, is not of any consequence. The desire to accomplish only gets in the way of the goal. Don't try to remain in that place, do it.

Yeah, I know. Bite me. I could rant for a while on the complete uselessness of words as a medium to communicate thoughts. But that subject doesn't concern me much anymore. I didn't choose to major in English because I thought I had mastered this stuff, I chose it because I wanted to improve. I look forward to the time, one hundred years from now, when education is concerned only with the VISUAL, AUDIO, and the GESTURED. Text is dead, and I'm glad. Let's all get on with our non-serial lives.  My next journal entry will be nothing but drawings.

I am nothing if not full of faith. But I don't put my faith IN anything. That would be missing the point.

Fearless. Lovefull.

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